Steven Mugglestone

The more I learn, the less I know

The jokes that define what accountants really are ……

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Accountants do get targeted as the butt of many jokes and usually quite rightly so.  Here are some of (possibly) the best jokes that define what accountants really are……….

The standard boring tag

  • An Accountant is ….
    • Someone who doesn’t have enough charisma to be an undertaker
    • Someone who uses their personality as a method of contraception
    • Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing
    • Someone who thinks that John Major is a chartered accountant cult hero
    • Someone who makes a bold fashion statement by wearing a blue suit instead of grey
    • Someone who does not know that Gap is a clothing store
  • An extroverted accountant is one who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own
  • How do accountants liven up their office parties? They invite an undertaker.

A heart of stone

A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, “Can I help? Have you lost something? ” “No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

The honest and hard-working accountant?

An accountant dies and goes to heaven.  He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.   After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.  “It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”

St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

The ability to deal with the real issues

A Tax inspector, a VAT inspector and an Accountant were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional before a meeting. The Tax Inspector finishes first and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the VAT Inspector and the Accountant, he says, “Tax Inspectors are trained to be extremely thorough”. The VAT Inspector is second and finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single towel and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says “VAT Inspectors are not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient”. The Accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. “Accountants learn not to piss on their hands.”

The ability to see what is really important

An accountant is out for a walk by a river, and spies a frog sitting on the bank.

The frog says, “I’m a Beautiful Princess under a wicked spell if you give me a kiss and make me human again I will stay with you for a week.”  The accountant smiles as he picks up the frog and puts her into his pocket and continues his walk.

A little later the accountant takes the frog out of his pocket and she says, “I’m a Beautiful Princess under a wicked spell if you give me a kiss and make me human again I will stay with you for two weeks and do anything you ask no matter how depraved.”  The accountant smiles and puts her back in his pocket.

Much later he takes her out of his pocket again and she cries, “Don’t you realise that I am a beautiful princess with an incredible body, and if you kiss me I will become human again and will stay with you for a year and do anything you want, whatever it is.”

And then the accountant says, “I’m an accountant and far too busy to have a girlfriend, but a talking frog now that’s cool.”

The ability to think on your feet

Two accountants are in a bar when armed robbers burst in. The robbers line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. The first accountant slips something in the second accountant’s hand and whispers, ‘Here’s that £50 I owe you.’

The ability to add up

There are three types of accountants in the world, those who can count and those who can’t

Why accountants believe in the tooth fairy

Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between them was placed a briefcase full of money.

Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?…

Well, it’s obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there’s no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap accountant!

How accountants can help the incurably ill

A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live.
“Oh my God!” said the woman. “What shall I do?”
“Marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“Why?” asked the woman. “Will that make me live longer?”
“No,” replied the doctor. “But it will SEEM longer.”

The 5 laws of accountancy

  • Trial balances don’t
  • Working Capital does not
  • Liquidity tends to run out
  • Return on investments never will
  • The bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg.

The accountants’ strap lines

  • It’s the opinion that counts
  • The home of double entry
  • Numbers 24/7
  • You take the credit, we process the debit
  • Sums ‘R’ Us
  • The business Where Everybody Counts
  • Bean growers and not just bean counters

Accountants’ words of wisdom

Q.           What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A.            Prison.

How accountants feel about fellow professionals in the legal profession

Q.           What’s black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A.            A Doberman.

The problem solver or the real accountants joke

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He selected an engineer, a mathematician, a physicist, a logician, a social worker, a lawyer, a trader and an accountant to interview and decided to select the individual that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?”

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”.  The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof. “ The physicist declared, “It’s in the magnitude of 1×101. “ The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable. “  The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I am glad that we discussed this important question.  The lawyer stated, “In the case of the Crown v Svenson, 2+2 was declared to be 4. “ The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?”

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the blinds. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”

Steven Mugglestone BA FCA,
Finance Director Services

McGregors Corporate, Entrepreneurial Chartered Accountants and Business Advisers
…….Developing business people

T: 0845 519 5659                T: 0121 236 3317      T: 0115 9415193

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Written by Steven Mugglestone

October 19, 2012 at 7:15 am

Posted in Jokes

Tagged with , ,

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